She overheard a conversation between us- her dad who has been out of town for over a week now and me. In the week that he has been away, our pet dog has fallen sick, and Akank has had two visits to the dentist for an imminent braces job. Obviously, her dad feels awful that he has not been around when he was needed the most (his opinion) and he feels better when he is updated on phone. Akank has quietly been observing our long conversations over the week and finally popped this question last night – “Ma, is it a tough job to be the wife in a relationship?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer the question and so I said that being the wife isn’t a job, it is a role you play in a relationship after one is married. She looked up at me with an expression that said, ‘I know it is a role‘  and she further probed with ” My question was if it is easier to be the wife or is it easier to be the husband in a relationship “.

I knew she was out to nail me. She is close to her dad and if I said my job as the wife was tough, there would be some discussions when her father got home! Instead I turned the question on to her and asked her to answer it herself. She came back with a ‘ Ma, I have barely known you guys for 12 years. So I wouldn’t possibly know the answer to that question!’

I was not going to give up easily. I insisted that she evaluate the roles from what she has observed for the period she has known us. I also reminded her that there were several other husband wife couples that she knew and that was enough to make a fair judgement with her limited years of existence. She was in a spot now or so I thought.

“Well”, she began like she often begins her sentences now, ” The wife gets to stay home and keep house, sleep whenever she wants and boss around the children when they get home”. While I was busy frowning, she continued, ” while the husband gets to eat out, travel and sit in air conditioned rooms at work while the wife sweats it out in the kitchen” and before I could say anything, she closed with “so the conclusion I draw is that the best role to play in a family is that of being a 12 year old”.

Conversations

‘Ma, is there a rule that only Caucasians have to party to bring in the new year’ asked Akank last night as we sat down to dinner at home, on New Year’s eve. We had discussed this a few times before but nevertheless, Akank has her way of bringing up the topic with the hope that she could exasperate us into taking her out to one. She also knows what the answer is going to be and she knows the next thing to say to you when you finish saying what she predicts you will say. So the conversation last evening went like this:

Me-  Akank, it is not like we have never taken you out for a New Year’s eve party.

Akank – Then, why aren’t we doing that anymore!

Me- You will get your chance to party when you are older.

Akank – But, I have been out to party when I was way younger than now.

Me- Well, that was because we were young and went to parties with friends and we took you along.

Akank- You are not so old that you have to stop partying! You are barely in your 40′s and Appa is not even 50 till next year!

I don’t answer this one. I already told you that we have done this many times before and I know what comes next. So, I just ignore her comment and busy myself with what I was doing. Akank pauses for a while and then mutters: Now, I have to wait to be 14 to party!

That caught my attention and I quickly commented that she got the year all wrong. She doesn’t become an adult till she is 18, I reminded her. What she said next is what has changed about this generation – Ma, are you going to control my life till I turn 18?

That made me sit up. Is that what it is called now?

Taking care of your daughter is control?

Keeping tabs on who your daughter hangs out with when she is not at school is control?

Making sure she has her school diary updated and all school work complete is control?

Feeding your child a healthy balanced diet that takes care of her growing years is control?

Making sure she respects everyone she interacts with and correcting her when she does not is control?

I had to make a conscious effort not to show any emotion in my next question to her. I wanted to know what she really meant. I asked her if she thought I was controlling her life now. After a moments hesitation, she said ‘Sometimes’.

A routine scan that was done to assess the status revealed that she had two missing teeth on her lower jaw. Where there had to be six, there were only four. It appeared to be a congenital defect that had not bothered her, nor us, till then. The conclusion that the dentist made was that we had do do away with two excess teeth on the upper jaw to even out the difference before the braces came on. The scan revealed more bad news. One of her teeth on the upper jaw, was lodged in the gum unable to find its way out, owing to a milk tooth that was blocking its way. The doctor predicted that if we let the milk tooth stay, it would fall of its own accord, when Akank was older, by which time it would be too late to intervene. The lodged tooth was growing on top of another healthy permanent tooth instead. Leaving it there would only damage the root of the other tooth, the doctor warned us. The dentist then gave us a few options on how these could be corrected.

We were not totally convinced that she needed the corrective procedures that the dentist recommended. One of the steps the doctor had outlined involved a surgical removal of the embedded tooth for which the dentist predicted that she would need a week to recuperate and heal. The moment we heard about the surgery, we hesitated. Maybe we should ask for a second opinion? Sensing our hesitancy, the doctor gave us time to think about it and get back to her within six months or whenever the school had a longish break. We discussed it at home and concluded that our 12 year old with healthy gums and brushing habits, did have issues that needed correction before it was too late.

When the school closed for the first term break, our one point agenda was to have the corrective surgery done and get the braces on before Akank got any older. We did not make any plans for the break other than the dentist visits. Akank finally had her lodged tooth surgically removed today. Plus, the milk tooth and another premolar were extracted to make space for the teeth to realign themselves when the braces came on.

Akank handled herself really well!

It was her first experience on a surgical table under sedation. She handled herself very well throughout the procedure.She was excited and nervous at the same time since last evening. She talked about it non stop, asked us several questions, planned to resist being knocked off under sedation and plotted strategies of coping post surgical pain. She did well and has made us proud. She is on the road to recovery, albeit with three less teeth to begin a fresh new year next week.

The braces will come on in January.

Akank had warned me about a proverbial storm brewing between the bus aunty and two of them (her friend and herself). I discouraged Akank from challenging the lady in charge of the discipline en route to school. Yet, a few days later, I did come to hear of it from the management of the school transport.The message was – ” The girls are allowed to whisper. But thëy ought to realize that there are other children in the bus and their loud giggles disturb the driver and the other children”.

Much to Akank’s indignant surprise, we took the side of the school transport management. A few more weeks went by smoothly. When I went back one morning to check on the status with the bus driver, he whispered – As long as one of them is not on the bus, there is no trouble. But the moment they get together, they are back at it again. And just to make it sound less unfair, he added - It is not your daughter, maám. It is the other girl! ( at that instant I knew he had said the same thing to the other parent)

I don’t want to admonish Akank for giggling in the bus with a dear friend that she loves spending time with.

I don’t want to call the transport management to request them to change the preassigned seat for Akank to some place closer to the front of the bus so that she will never giggle again.

I don’t want to blame the bus authorities for being non indulgent to giggly girls.

Instead I have asked Akank to cheerfully greet the bus aunty and the driver in the mornings when she boards the bus.

Instead I have made Akank realize that they wake earlier than she does in the mornings, just to make sure she reaches school on time

Instead I have asked Akank to respect the authority that their jobs give them to make sure everyone is safe in the bus until they reach the destination.

I know Akank thinks I am  ‘totally unfair’ yet I hope that she never gives up giggling. Not until she becomes a lady

For a long time now, our conversations have bordered on the lines of yelling. Another reason why I have not enthusiastically updated my blog. What do I tell my blog? That I have issues with my 12 year old? I am not able to make her see reason anymore? She is grown up now and does not have to listen to reason anymore? But memories of her growing up has to be recorded somewhere for posterity. So that someday when she has her own children to bring up, this could serve as a guide. To show her that she was not easy at 12 either.

What are the things we argue about, you may ask. Well, where do I begin? You don’t remain a favorite parent when you repeatedly refuse to allow her to take her iPod classic to school. Listen to this -

Akank -Everyone has an iPod.

Me – So do you Akank.

Akank – What is the point of owning one when you cannot take it to school?

Me – Word. But when you are sending a $400 dollar worth gizmo to school with a 12 yo, one is not too sure you will see it again.

Akank- Oh come on ma, no one is interested in my iPod Classic. They all have an iPod touch!

And so it goes on.

She has been wanting an iPod touch ever since her last want was met. She wanted a Yamaha digital piano instead of her PSR keyboard which “didn’t do any justice to her maturing music skills”. “I need higher octaves to practice my music and my hand span can accommodate more keys now. I won’t ask for anything more if you buy me a digital piano!” What we missed was the I won’t need anything more…. ‘for a few months’.

Then began the request for an iPod touch. “I am not asking for an iPad ma. Everyone has an iPod touch! It is so cool to be able to download apps and play games when I am on the bus. It gets really boring on the way to school”. She managed without the iPod touch for a few months with the iPad I own. She downloaded about fifty games among which I kept losing sight of the few apps I downloaded.

On her 12th birthday, her dad indulged her with the gizmo of her dreams- a snazzy smart iPod touch. We even let her take it to school on her birthday. That evening she came back home to tell us  that her ‘social life rocked’. However, it did not take too long for her to go from ” You guys are the best “to “You are so mean” when we refused her the permission to carry it to school everyday. Now it is back to “Can I take my iPod classic at least?”

The latest quest is for an account on Facebook. I have denied her an account for a year now and she was alright with the rule that she had to be 13 to have an account. Now that she is in her 13th year, she has stopped seeing reason. So it goes -

Akank -When can I have a Facebook account, ma?

Me -Not until you are 13, love. You know the rules?

Akank – All my friends are on FB. They are all bonding and sharing and doing fun stuff there.

Ma -There is nothing special happening on FB plus you meet your friends at school everyday. Bond with them there.

Yesterday when she got back from school she had this to say to me – ‘I have a message from my friends for you ma. They asked me to tell you to hurry up with the decision to allow me to have an account on Facebook’.

Sigh. I am giving up fighting. I don’t want to be thought of as mean because I didn’t allow my daughter on Facebook. I have agreed to allow her to open an account with a few plausible conditions.

I will soon have a 12 yo as friend on my Facebook list of friends.

This year has been a difficult year for Akank. The challenges have been many.  Beginning with a new school, in a new country with new methods of teaching, new culture, new schedules, new subjects, new accents, new cliques to contend with. The first two terms were pretty traumatic and shook her confidence and self esteem. From a popular, liked, influential individual to almost being a non entity is a big change. She managed alright but only barely. She has learnt that not everybody needs to be friends, has become self reliant with school work and become more assertive with speaking her mind.

We have had our share of mother daughter tiffs, but that has helped us learn about each other better. She is independent, confident, restrained and surefooted. Her sense of humour is sharp and that helps in a big way.

At school, she has had fantastic exposure to the performing arts and global services through out the year. Apart from academics where she learnt to make her own presentations and models, she has been a part of the developmental swimming team, the choir and the junior band. She learnt to Irish dance and unicycle. She went camping, cleared a high ropes course and was part of the dragon boating team. She raised money for charity at bake sales and by playing her piano. She auditioned for roles for drama (Never won the part though), took active parts in the day of sport, the disco, the talent show. She hosted a few play dates with people she wanted to be friends. She continues to acquire skills in piano and classical music.

That in a nut shell tells you what was up the whole year in Akank’s life. Next year, she moves to a sprawling new campus (I will need a GPS to find my way around that campus!) and she is very excited with the prospect of being a buddy to the new kids who will join the school next year. Good luck, Akank!

Our helper is away for a fortnight and that meant everything she did at home and outside has been my responsibility. Though it might not seem much, between walking Maxx four times a day, feeding him twice, the usual odd chores around the house, washing, cooking et al, I barely have the energy nor the time to do much else. Maxx has never been left alone at home from the time he has come home and so yesterday I was unable to go with Akank to class. When I asked her if she wanted to go by herself, she was hesitant at first. She asked if she could skip class instead. That was the easy way out. But being mom has its perks, where you can insist that the class not be missed. She did not need much convincing. She went armed with her hand phone,her wallet with emergency expense money,her bus access card and her head held high on her shoulders. She called thrice in the span on an hour – Once when she reached her class, then as soon as she was done at class and from the bus on her return.

The only hitch was it had begun to rain by the time she got done and I knew she hadn’t carried her umbrella along. When I told her she could grab a cab and reach home, she offered to buy an umbrella from a store at the mall and walk up to the bus stop and ride the bus back home.

She came home with a big grin, a brand new umbrella and a lighter wallet. I am so proud of you, Akank!

But that is not all. Akank’s English teacher was not in class last week and so the Science teacher stepped in to keep the grade busy with an exercise in poetry. He chose a topic for them to write a poem on- Science this week! Akank said that while they wrote their poems, he whistled and waited for them to come up with their thoughts. This is what Akank wrote -

Science this week, Was worse than bleak
It was sicker than a lizards suction, we were learning reproduction!
It made our teeth grit, even the ones with wit
I went totally red, like when I was one and wet the bed,
All the girls had closed their eyes,
We wished we had been separated from the guys.

Akank also asked me to observe if she become quieter of late. When I wondered aloud why she had asked me the question she blamed it on the poor lesson.

Yesterday, I asked Akank if the girl had been successful in finding a job. Akank was doubtful because she had seen the girl spending time with friends in the park near by. I asked Akank if she intends doing something similar over summer. Since she loves books, I suggested that maybe she could read to the kids. She gave me one of her don’t – be – ridiculous- ma looks and said no one would pay her to read books to their kids but she said she probably could walk dogs for pet owners. And the conversation progressed like this-

Me – That seems like a good idea. You could charge them two dollars for a half hour walk.
Akank- Two dollars is low.
Me – Why would they want to pay you anything more when they have their maids to do it for them for free?
Akank- Ma, five dollars is easy money to make for walking dogs.
Me- ( finding an opportunity to drive home a valuable point) No money is easy, Akank.
Akank ( nonchalantly) – Yes it is. I have to just open your wallet to take out a five dollar. That is easy isn’t it?

And she burst into laughter seeing how I reacted and to tell me that she was just joking. Or, I hope she was.

For one it is her hair. A year back she was fine with braiding, oiling, brushing it twice and letting me handle it for her. Now, she wants to brush it on her own, wear it her way, don’t even mention oiling. She still wants to grow her hair long but she won’t braid it and has these side flicks that she calls ‘bangs’ that has to fall in a particular way over her forehead, not higher, not lower but somewhere in the middle. So you will often see her adjusting her bangs. I worry that she gives a lot of attention to her hair and when I tell her about it we have a situation.

Then it is the music. No, it is not the choice of music. I have in fact caught up on all the new stars in her generation starting from Bieber to Kesha to Fifie Dobson. It’s the volume with which we have a problem. She is smart enough to close the door to her room when she is listening to music on her iPod dock. However, she gets into trouble with us every time when she is out with us. She almost always never leaves for a dinner, shopping or anywhere we go without her gadget. If we point out to her that she plays her music louder than required, she will show you the volume dial to prove it to us how it is still at 50% and there you have a situation.

Sometimes it is Maxx. Maxx’s exuberance knows no bounds. As long as she is in the mood, Akank will play along. Maxx on the other hand, is always in the mood to play. When Akank is sulking (which would be because we talked to her about her schedules, music or hair), she expects Maxx to understand that it is not the right time to pounce or play tag with her. He continues to do that and there you have a situation.

We have situations during home work. If I observe that her handwriting needs improvement she says ‘ everybody writes like this’. If I observe that her class work looks incomplete, she says ‘ No one was able to complete it’. Her lunch comes back unfinished because ‘ there was no time to eat’. Her home assignments can be done later because ‘ it is not due till next week’. She won’t revise her lessons because ‘ I have already done it in class’. When she is made to do stuff against her will, we have multiple situations.

When Akank is angry, she does not talk back nor slam doors. She sulks and goes to bed in that mood. This week Akank has taken on a 21 day challenge. Robin Sharma says Follow a new habit religiously for 21 days to make it a permanent habit. It works with me and I am hopeful that it will with Akank. Akank has just completed her 5th night of going to bed a happy person, without sulking, without anger. It hasn’t stopped her from sulking or being angry but we make sure we resolve the situation before she retires for the night.